How I Almost Had An Affair

welcome

This guest post is from Rachel Swenson of RefineandRestore.com.

Yes, you read that title right: “I almost had an affair.”

It was something I never thought would happen to me. And looking back, it’s difficult for me to talk about.

But I’m here sharing with you about this because I want you to know that it can happen to ANYONE.

Adultery can happen in the best of marriages (even Christian marriages) if we’re not careful.

Adultery: it’s that one big thing that can completely upend a marriage. We hope it never happens to us. We pray that we and our spouse would never face the temptation of infidelity. And yet, it can happen to the best of marriages (even Christian marriages) if we’re not careful. Adultery can blindside us, and if we’re not aware of the warning signs (which aren’t always obvious), the temptation to have an affair can easily devastate entire families. I’m sharing my story here because I want you to know that these lustful temptations are real (yes, even for women) and I want to share with you the warning signs so that you can make wise choices to protect your marriage from adultery.

Adultery is a slippery slope that too many couples have fallen down… and it can happen ONE TINY CHOICE at a time. 

It doesn’t even have to be about sex. In fact, for women, it’s usually not.

It’s about needing emotional connection.

It’s about getting that “thing” that you are lacking in your marriage relationship.

And it’s about believing that someone else has to meet these needs because your spouse no longer can’t.

It’s a scary and very real place, and I want to share my real and raw story here. 

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Leave a Reply 32 comments

How I Almost Had An Affair: {Featured Post for Your Vibrant Family} – Refine & Restore - January 28, 2016 Reply

[…] Newlywed bliss still right? Ha, hardly…{READ MORE} […]

Wendy - January 28, 2016 Reply

Thank you for sharing, Rachel. The verse that comes to mind is “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour..” 1 Peter 5:8 – Thank you for the reminder to keep this crucial part of my life well guarded.

Shannon Ethridge - January 28, 2016 Reply

Thanks for the shout out for Every Woman’s Battle and The Fantasy Fallacy, Rachel! – Shannon Ethridge

    Rachel Swanson - January 28, 2016 Reply

    Of course! Your books and teaching have been inspirational and foundational to so much of the understanding I’ve gained through this issue. Thank you!

Lindsey - January 29, 2016 Reply

Great post! This needs to be talked about more and more. I think those who have the courage to share their stories can help those struggling in silence. They are not alone.

    Alicia Michelle - January 29, 2016 Reply

    Lindsey, I totally agree. I’m grateful that Rachel has offered to bare her heart like this so that others can see that these situations are common. The enemy wants to destroy our marriages, and sometimes silence about these tough issues is his greatest weapon.

    Rachel Swanson - January 30, 2016 Reply

    Thank you! Yes unfortunately it is a more common struggle than admitted by many women. So many friends have confided this same issue and struggle to me. Praying that by sharing my journey toward healing with this issue it will prompt others to do the same.

Becky - January 29, 2016 Reply

Thank you so much for sharing your story! It seems so easy to have an affair; and I admire your strength to walk away!

Melinda - January 30, 2016 Reply

Thank you for your openness. It is so easy to become vulnerable to infidelity. We want to feel special, attractive, desirable. And marriage is HARD! Especially with a history of less than godly relationships. Everyone needs to understand how destructive seemingly harmless emotional affairs really are. And they’re a slippery slope into adultery. I did not walk away in my life lifeguard-tower moment or for some time after it. My marriage survived. But with so much unnecessary pain. The consequences of allowing my value to be so tied to what men thought of me didn’t end when my wedding band was placed on my finger. It’s an ongoing battle to accept my wholeness in Christ. It is difficult in our society to get young women to separate their value from their bodies and how they display and use them. This is your first post I’ve come across and I look forward to reading more.

    Rachel Swanson - January 30, 2016 Reply

    Melinda, thank you for sharing and opening up your heart as well! I can fully relate to your struggle, and fully understand the battle of producing a strong marriage after things get slippery. I will be praying for you and your marriage my friend, that God would indeed bring you to a place where you feel completely whole and valued because HE believes you are! And that is enough. Yes a 2nd follow up post will be posting soon! Feel free to follow along on my blog at RefineandRestore.com as well!

Olivia - January 30, 2016 Reply

This is a very real issue among many women and men too. I have always been a firm believer that it actually takes three to make an affair happen. Maybe even four people if the other person is in a committed relationship.

When a love bank is full and lines of communication are open, the idea of an affair rarely crosses the mind of a happy spouse.

I will be interested to read the rest of your series.

Thank you for sharing with us at Thursday Favorite Things Blog Hop

Olivia- Co-hostess
Reinvented Collection

Maria @ Confessions First - January 31, 2016 Reply

Thank you so much for sharing this honestly! This is important – we have to talk about it! I remember during one season that my husband and I also felt disconnected, I wasn’t even consciously THINKING about having an affair but I found myself flirting with another guy… It hit me like a … wrecking ball? (not to go Miley Cyrus here, but it’s the appropriate word) between the eyes. Once I realized what I did, I had no idea how I even got to that point, but I started walking away at that point. Maybe over time I can understand all that was going on, I didn’t even see it coming at that point, I have sincerely no idea how that reaction came out of me or why… But all this to say, Satan’s works are that sneaky! Temptation can sneak up on you that fast! And I wish someone had posted warning signs for me before I was at that point – so I’m glad you are doing this for other married women! Glad I stopped by from the Creative K Kids Thoughtful Thursday Link Up!

Jamie @ Medium Sized Family - February 15, 2016 Reply

Marriage is such hard work, especially in those beginning years when neither of you know what you’re doing. I’m so happy your story had a happy ending and that you thought to pray for help.

Suzie - February 15, 2016 Reply

Thank you for your transparency! This is so encouraging to me. God bless you!

Alison [Life of Scoop] - February 15, 2016 Reply

Your honesty is so refreshing and beautiful! Thanks for being brave & writing about something so near to your heart – so delicate. MANY women (and men) need to read this. Love this blog & the message being proclaimed here!
Thanks for sharing. 🙂

Trish - February 15, 2016 Reply

Temptation can come from the most innocent of places.

I never thought I would ever approach the idea of an affair. I was married with 5 kids. I was in a unhappy marriage, my husband was having an affair. I was on the verge of a break down, and lonely. So, In 2010 I became a brand new Christian, going to church for the first time. It was a small conservative country church. I had tons of questions about Jesus. An elder took me under his wing. He studied the bible with me, he answered every question that I could come up with. In this particular church the men were the teachers of the word, which was why I did not have an older woman helping me. Over time the man would began to cross lines. Loving talk, lingering hugs, telling me words I wanted to hear, but from my hubby, not him. One night in the dark parking lot of the church he crossed a line, and I didn’t walk away…..I ran! I had been little by little walking with the Devil, I thought it was ok, because it was an elder, I was misleading myself. My marriage survived. I’m much more careful now.

Jennifer Abel - February 16, 2016 Reply

A touchy subject but so real and often not spoke about. Thank you for sharing on #overthemoon

Sarah - February 25, 2016 Reply

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it hits really close to home and shows just how hard marriage is. A good reminder to communicate is any needs are not being met.

Jeanne Grunert - February 27, 2016 Reply

It takes guts to share your story. Thank you for stepping forward to share it. Visiting from the #HomeMattersParty

Melinda - March 14, 2016 Reply

Thank you for being so open, and sharing this. Many women, including myself have struggled with this. We need to help each other, not condemn and gossip!
Friday Frivolity

Lisa/SyncopatedMama - March 14, 2016 Reply

Good for you for not being afraid to share your story – knowing that it could help so many other marriages! I think that if we’re honest with ourselves, this threat is one that all marriages truly have to watch out for! Thanks for linking up with us at #FridayFrivolity and hope you join us again this week!

Something Crunchy Mummy - March 17, 2016 Reply

Very honest post. Thanks for linking up to #justanotherlinky xx

Broken Hearted - April 27, 2016 Reply

You are a shining example of what to do if one finds themselves straying. You get out!!!!! My wife didn’t, several times, and although we are doing everything we can to heal (with God’s grace) I am still a broken man after a year and a half later. When she was having her affairs she chose not to see the good in me anymore and only saw the bad. She couldn’t look past my imperfections as I have tried to look past hers all of our years together. I always tried to accept her as she was and for who she can be one through God, but she never gave me the same benefit of the doubt. Hopefully the lessons are learned and with time all can me mended as God first intended. It is a long hard road to travel to get back what was lost. But I do believe that with God and the atonement all things are possible. Sincerely, Broken Hearted

C - July 9, 2016 Reply

Thank you for sharing your story. I am not yet married but last year I too almost became the other woman. My story was the same it started innocently and he was filling a hole in my life that I wasn’t letting God fill. I cut it off before I officially became the other woman but I walked around carrying the guilt from my decisions. Until recently I felt so guilty about it and although God had forgiven me I hadn’t forgiven myself. I kept thinking I am saved how could I do this and than I realized this is why God sent His Son to save me from myself. My biggest issue still in this situation is this man is everywhere, he and I have mutual friends and I still see him. I suppose that is where God uses a bad thing for good because I have to rely on Him constantly for strength to not fall back into that situation. Thank you for such honesty in this area it helps me to know I am not alone.

    Alicia Michelle - July 13, 2016 Reply

    Thank you SO MUCH for so bravely sharing your story! There are so many people who have gone through this, and yet, few people talk about it. And yes–God can heal every and all wounds. He wants to free us from our sin and the guilt we’re good at placing on ourselves. I’m so glad that you were able to avoid this trap and that he is bringing healing here! Blessings!

Jilly - August 29, 2016 Reply

I have been married many years and it never occurred to me that another man would attract my attention. But my husband and I took each other for granted and most of the time I felt like he did not care whether I was even around. We are Christians including the man who worked his way into my heart. I had no idea I was at risk for allowing this to happen. The temptation was great when the other man asked me to have a physical affair. What was I doing! How had I allowed it to get this far?! I chose to walk away because I did not know how I could possibly face my husband or expect God to hear my prayers or bless me in any way. I left this man, went home, and told my husband. He was so gracious and said he saw it coming from watching us in church. My husband forgave me and so did God. Now I need to forgive myself and allow God to heal us. I am so thankful I never took the journey that would have ruined my marriage and caused me to hate myself. However, if you have taken that journey please know that God is waiting on you to come to him. No sin is too great for our Savior to cover! Get counseling or go to a trusted friend to help you. Don’t be alone with it. I asked God to allow something good to come out of this. If I can help other women in this situation, I pray God will use me.

    Alicia Michelle - August 30, 2016 Reply

    Jilly! WOW… thank you so much for being brave enough to tell your story. We need to hear honest stories of temptation and God’s great victory through them. This is a very real issue for so many! So thankful for your voice here!

M - November 21, 2016 Reply

Thank you so much for sharing this. Just last year at this time I had allowed myself to become emotionally involved with a man not my husband of 16 years. Thank goodness I never allowed it to go further but I know eventually I would have given in to that temptation. Sadly I didn’t have the will to walk away, but instead my husband found out and approached me. I knew in my heart what I was doing was wrong, but I was starting to fall in love with this man and allowed my heart to dictate my actions. I’m so grateful….as hard and painful as it was…he found out. I was so weak and have so many regrets that I couldn’t take a stand for what I knew was right. I hurt my husband terribly and hate myself for showing such a lack of respect to him and our vows we made to each other. It’s been a long road, but we are making it. I still am amazed he’s found it in his heart to forgive me. The hardest and most embarrassing thing I’ll admit is that I still struggle with my feelings and find myself tempted on occasion to contact this man (and I hate myself every time I even let that type of thought enter my head), but I pray every day for help to stay strong and focused on the important things. Looking back I realize I had let my relationship not only with my husband grow weak, but with God as well. We are working hard to strengthen both again. It helps to read of real life stories of those who have or had similar struggles. It makes me realize I am not alone. Thank you again.

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