#1 Reason Why You’re Stuck In the Debt Cycle

I gazed longingly out the front window of our house at the neighbor’s shiny brand new minivan.

We’d bought a used minivan two years before when our first son was born, but my dependable, well-loved Dodge now looked ridiculously hideous parked on the curb next to my neighbor’s beauty queen model.

Suddenly, I was convinced that every scratch and blemish on my minivan seemed to scream in high-pitched tones to every neighbor on that block, “Wow. Can’t they afford anything better than that dumpy model?”

Hmmm, my husband did just get a raise… I considered. I did some quick mental math and realized that now we probably could afford the car payment on a new van.

Then I started questioning my minivan’s safety. Sure, we hadn’t ever had any problems, but I thought, “You know, it does have 50,000 miles on it now so perhaps it’s time to trade it in.”

Needless to say, a new minivan—the same model as our neighbor’s—was parked in our garage a few weeks later.

And thus began another step in our family’s journey toward debt. Big-time debt that eventually totaled over $100,000.

TIRED OF DEALING WITH DEBT? You’ve got to deal with this one big issue FIRST (hint: It’s not just a money issue but has everything to do with how we spend money!).

What’s Your “Minivan” Story?

I know our minivan story isn’t unique. In fact, I’ve heard different versions of it over and over as I’ve talked to others about their struggles with debt. Sometimes the “must-have” item is a certain house in the “right” neighborhood. For others it’s an RV or boat that promises to give hours of family-fun vacations.

Either way, if we’re not careful, these simple wants can turn into full-fledged screaming monsters that long to not only empty our pocketbooks but to steal our sense of contentment, joy and self-worth.

In her new book Love Your Life, Not Theirs author Rachel Cruze shares her story on this theme.

She tells about the time when she had just returned from a lovely vacation with her husband to South Carolina. All was well… until she noticed some photos in her Instagram feed from a fashion blogger who was proudly sharing her glamorous trip to the Greek Isles.

So she did what at first seemed rather harmless: She began pricing airline tickets to Greece! Makes sense, right?!  When her newlywed budget snapped her back into reality, here’s how she described what she was feeling:

Suddenly our fantastic trip to South Carolina seemed a little dull. I let a total stranger’s exciting vacation steal the joy from the wonderful trip I had just taken with my husband… What was it about her trip that made my trip feel inadequate? I was chasing someone else’s life instead of enjoying my own. I was letting someone I had never met influence not only how I was going to spend my money, but how I was going to live my life.

Yes. Exactly. That. Have you felt that feeling before?

The Big Secret Why You Can’t Get Out of Debt

There’s something really sobering when we get down to the true reasons behind how and why we want to spend our money. Especially when that spending requires that we go into debt.

Oh, we all seem to have excellent, in-the-moment reasoning:

  • It’s an item that will keep our family safer.
  • It’s a vacation to take that would be great for the kids.
  • It’s the kind of gift we feel obligated to give because someone else has given us a gift of similar value.
  • We don’t want our kids to miss out or to feel slighted.
  • We believe that a well-deserved vacation to a tropic island with our spouse will finally change our marriage issues once and for all.

All well-intentioned thinking. But in actuality, what happens when we do spend the money or do take that much-deserved trip?

We do find immediate pleasure, but we also find ourselves feeding a monster that continually seems unsatisfied.

That monster is comparison.

And friends, it is impossible to break free from debt’s clutches without first attacking it at the root of the problem—comparison. 

Even if you eliminate all your debt, if you don’t deal with the inner issue of comparison, your debt-reduction strategies will be just as effective in keeping you financially secure as yo-yo dieting is in maintaining a healthy weight.

Rachel labels comparison as “chasing make believe” in her Love Your Life, Not Theirs book. And she admits that comparison is not a new problem (reminding us that coveting is one of the 10 Commandments!).

However, she hits the nail on the head as to why comparison has such a steady hold on our culture right now. Past generations had to keep up with Joneses whenever they saw them in the neighborhood.

But today, as she so aptly puts it, “We carry the Joneses around in our back pockets.”

Ah, yes. Social media strikes again. She writes:

Our cell phones and social media apps are little windows into the lives of other people. If a friend on the other side of the world bought a new purse today, a picture of it could hit my phone before she even left the store…[social media channels] make it easier than ever for us to wish we were living someone else’s life.

At first, having a “window into other’s lives” doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. That is, until we witness how others’ purchase decisions dictate our daily money decisions and our stress levels.

Simple, innocent social media sharing can easily transform itself into ugly comparison.

After a few minutes on Facebook, it’s easy to wonder why our life doesn’t look like everyone else’s perfect life. If left unchecked, these feelings can slowly eat away at our self-esteem. If we’re not careful, we can easily find ourselves angry and disgusted at our out-of-date kitchen appliances after seeing a friend’s kitchen remodel photos.

Suddenly, without even realizing it, we find ourselves engaging in all kinds of craziness in the name of “must have” and “must do.”

I know these feelings too because I’ve felt them over and over. How about you?

3 Ways to Keep Comparison in Check

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not here to bash social media or convince you that it’s the root of all evil in the world. I love hearing about all my friends’ adventures and new purchases in my Instagram and Facebook feeds, and post regularly myself.

But, ladies, these three things help me when I find my heart moving toward discontent:

Reality Check. First, I remind myself that this is one slice of this person’s reality. Despite what I may see online, they still have problems and an imperfect life like everyone else.

What do I really want? Do I really want this specific thing, or is my heart longing for the perceived feeling behind it (peace, happiness, relaxation, etc)? What else in my life can I look to as the source for those things?

Budget Re-Focus. I go back to our family’s budget. It may sound strange, but I now view our budget as a blessing and protection over our home. I don’t see our budget as a restriction but instead as a helpful decision-maker as to how we can and cannot safely spend our money right now. There is room for “fun” spending, but it’s within the confines of what will keep us financially safe. So I ask myself, “If I really do see it as a need, does it fit into the master plan?”

A little back story: About 2 years after our minivan incident, my husband and I made a decision to not only pay off that $100,000 debt but to never be in debt again. Our debt-free journey is another story for another time, but suffice it to say that being on a budget kept us on track through that journey and continues to keep us debt free today.

Speaking of budgets, I wanted to give a quick shout out here to Dave Ramsey’s Every Dollar budget tracking app. Every Dollar is an incredible resource for keeping track of your money and keeping you accountable to how your money is spent. We are grateful for this system, and I would highly recommend it whether you’re facing money struggles or not right now!

One Last Word About the Relationship Between Comparison and Debt

I wanted to share one final thought from Rachel Cruze’s excellent book Love Your Life, Not Theirs (which I hope you have a chance to review for yourself!):

Too many people in the world are letting cultural expectations–that is, other people–dictate their own values and family priorities. I’ve been there too. I know it’s an empty and endless battle to try to keep up. You feel like a hamster on a wheel, running as hard and fast as you can, but ultimately going nowhere. Doing that for a lifetime will leave you completely exhausted. Don’t do that to yourself anymore. That doesn’t have to be your life. There is hope; there is an antidote. There is one and only one cure to comparison living, and that is contentment. 

Well said. Let’s deal with these financial issues at their root by honestly examining the balance between comparison and contentment.

FTC Disclosure: This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of Ramsey Solutions.

Other Posts on Managing Your Money

Is Money Tight? 10 Ways to Stretch Your Budget

 

3 Ways to Keep Money from Ruining Your Marriage

About Alicia Michelle

As a wife and mom to four passionate kids, Alicia Michelle loves encouraging other moms with practical tips for joy-filled living in everyday life, especially in parenting, marriage, faith and health.Alicia is the owner/editor of Your Vibrant Family; the author of Plan to Be Flexible, The Back to School Survival Manual; and the creator/producer of the "7 Days to a Less Angry Mom Online Video Course,", Christ-Centered Christmas Resources and My Memory Box Organizing System. In addition, she is a monthly contributor for several popular family blogs, including Crosswalk.com.Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Leave a Reply 14 comments

Joan - November 16, 2016 Reply

Wow. Alicia very true. Unless we understand the size of our pocket and live by it, the cycle of debt will continue. Big lesson here. Thanks

Jaime - November 17, 2016 Reply

Alicia, I love all things Rachel Cruze and Dave Ramsey! I’m excited about her new book, too. Another debt free mama here! 😉 I’ll look forward to reading your debt free story. xoxo, Jaime

    Alicia Michelle - November 18, 2016 Reply

    Awesome to hear, Jaime! Yes, Dave and Rachel’s teachings have changed our family’s life for sure! Congrats on being debt free too!! I’ll be sharing more about our family’s debt struggles and triumphs over the next few months! 🙂

Amy - November 28, 2016 Reply

i’m not sure if comparison is entirely the culprit for us, but i do admit that we have made many many irrational choices on spending which, at the time, of course seemed very rational. We justified them to ourselves so they made sense, and the biggest thing: did not consult with God in prayer first! But, Alicia, how does knowing this help when we are so deep into this debt cycle also? how do we get out of this viscous cycle. And, how did you get out of your $100,000 worth of debt???? we are so stuck and running out of options except for bankruptcy but don’t know if that’s the smartest choice either.

    Alicia Michelle - November 29, 2016 Reply

    Hi Amy! First, thank you for your transparency in sharing about this! It is never easy to do so. In terms of how we got out of our 100K in debt… we went through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace course and made some major changes to how we spent our money. I don’t want to give the whole story away (I will be posting about it again soon!) but we sold our (basically new) van to get one that we could buy cash that was 12 years old; we put ourselves on a budget; we sold stuff we didn’t need; we created a plan to get out, etc. I would highly, highly recommend Financial Peace as where to go first. It’s a course you go through not only to learn how to get out of debt but to live differently so that you don’t get into that same situation again. It changed everything for us! Here’s the link to find a class near you and to get the materials: https://www.daveramsey.com/fpu Praying for you right now… I know this is super hard!

      Amy - December 1, 2016 Reply

      thank you so much. we will look into this 🙂

Nicole Kauffman - December 16, 2016 Reply

Love this. Being married just over a year myself, it’s crazy how fast we get sucked into the comparison trap and start thinking about changing up our budget. This is a great reminder, especially during this time of year!

    Alicia Michelle - December 21, 2016 Reply

    Yes, so true. My husband and I struggled at the beginning of marriage until we realized that we couldn’t live the lifestyle that our parents or other older friends/family members had because they were much further ahead on their careers and financial goals than we were. It was an interesting transition that required us to focus on where we were at and be content with that. Thanks for sharing your story here too!

Heather Hart - December 16, 2016 Reply

For me, spending is less about keeping up with other people, and more about wanting to provide for my kids. I sometimes have to remember that it’s not the end of the world if they only get one Christmas or birthday present instead of a bunch. Time is more important than money.

    Alicia Michelle - December 21, 2016 Reply

    Very true. It’s hard to make that distinction sometimes between what we think our kids need and we they actually need. We want the best for them!

Lisa/Syncopated Mama - December 19, 2016 Reply

I’m very fortunate to have been given a great foundation in budget stuff from my parents. This is a fabulous post for everyone out there who didn’t get it all from the start! So glad you shared it with us at #FridayFrivolity!

    Alicia Michelle - December 21, 2016 Reply

    That is a huge blessing, Lisa! If only we all got a great foundation like that. Thank you for your compliments on the post, and I’m glad you found it helpful!

Aimee Imbeau - December 22, 2016 Reply

This is a great post, Alicia! It is so easy to get caught up in the comparison trap! When I start down that path, I start thinking about all of the blessings I have – like a wonderful marriage and 3 great kids – nothing can substitute for those kinds of things. Thanks for sharing on Grace and Truth.

Leave a Reply: